INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

 ENCOURAGING MARRIED COUPLES TOWARDS A HEALTHY SEXUAL INTIMACY

A lot of times I have heard some married ladies say things like ‘I'm not a sex person, in fact  my husband already knows and he doesn't really bother me any more with sex talks and advances, and we are happy’ who told you that lie that he is happy? Well sorry to burst your bubbles, he is indeed very happy NOT!!!  The truth is this, a lot of couples are feeling sexually deprived especially husbands. Whether you are a man or a woman, yearning for sexual intimacy is a healthy desire, and most of the times, longing for unfulfilled sexual intimacy in quantity and quality is a big challenge, especially when couples consider the subject of sex a taboo to discuss. Let me tell you something before you start thinking I’m talking out of context…GOD did not institute marriage for all other beautiful reasons but sex! One of the most important reasons marriage was instituted was for the purpose of a healthy sexual intimacy and enjoyment of each other’s body, so peeps, I’m going hard on this!

This blog article is going to focus on married couples who are physically normal, healthy, pretend to be happy, who don’t enjoy active sexual intimacy, and do not seem to bother to make the necessary efforts and changes. In some sections, I will be emphasising more on the ladies who genuinely feel unperturbed about sexual intimacy in their marriages. Also when I use the word Sex, I want you to be aware that I am making reference to LOVE MAKING.  

Here are some real life scenarios

Scenario 1:

I am really not interested in having sexual talks with my husband; I’m just shy about it. Although I have some sexual desires, I can do without it honestly. My husband sometimes taps me on the shoulder some nights for some sexual intimacy, but I really don’t get excited about it, so I rather cuddle up and drift away…we can go without sex for months.

Impact of scenario 1 on husband:

Husband is definitely sexually deprived at this point. He resorts to other ways that suits him, may be goes for massages, wanks himself off  (poor thing) may be considers having a mistress that will satisfy his sexual needs and everyone is happy, or better still contemplates leaving the marriage at some point.

I don’t blame him at all. Some ladies might say ‘but we are married and we are in love, I do every other thing he asks me to, and I always go out of my way to please him in other areas, but if I’m not a sex person, it’s not really my fault! Why should he be having an affair?’ I tell you what! If you love your husband, you must and will want to always express it sexually, absolutely normal, except if you are physically unwell.

If you are living a similar existence like the above scenario, you will disconnect spiritually, emotionally and sexually as the years go by, which can lead to divorce!

Scenario 2:

I don’t really have much of a sexual drive,    even before I got married to my wife, I rarely did have the drive. I am exceptional lover, romantic in every way, spoils my wife with gifts, go on holiday to lovely destinations, and we are both happy. I just don’t think that being sexually intimate with my wife is a big deal and only way to demonstrate my love.

Impact of scenario 2 on wife:

Wife will definitely consider a lot of options.  She either hits the sex stores for some vibrators or DIY options for masturbating, or finds a hunk to fulfil her sexual needs while in marriage (and everyone is happy), or to save every one the stress, she walks away at some point.

Whether you are living scenario 1 or 2, or there any scenario at all not mentioned in this blog article that relates to sexual deprivation, the end result negative implications are all the same. If you are married and one of you is feeling sexually deprived, because one party wants to enjoy a sexually intimate marriage and the other does not, I don’t think it is an abnormal conflict, however, it is a problem that must not be ignored because the sexually deprived is not the only one affected but the couple unit!!!  The main objective therefore is to find a healthy sexual balance (in both quality and quantity) that suits the husband and wife.

Let me start by sharing with you some of the possible reasons why you are not having sex.

1.      Stress: This definitely is a big turn off to your sex drive. Check my blog for the article on ‘how stressed are you’ to get some tips and make the necessary adjustments.

2.      When you do not address your relationship problems. It leads to resentment. I understand there are relationships with underlying difficult circumstances such as infidelity leading to broken trust and many more cases, but have that conversation if you want to stay in that marriage, that’s a good step towards resolving issues, and unwind with a make-up sex.

3.      Control: some chic I know actually told me she withholds sex from her hubby to control him, more like cutting your nose to spite your face! Please avoid this devilish idea!!!

4.      Kids:  looking after kids and caring for them can be daunting; if not properly managed can put a damper on your sex life.

5.      5. Hormonal causes: when you don’t desire sex at all, please tell God about it and seek professional help too.

Now let’s find some possible solutions to this marriage killer!

If you find yourself not desiring sex at all, the long-term effects on your marriage will not be pleasant. 

Did you have past sexual pain for example; sexual abuse, sexual promiscuity, rape, etc why not seek help for the sake of yourself and your husband? You need to get healed to enjoy the rest of your life.  Get some godly counsel.

More so, you know your body better. Again, why not educate your husband and tell him what feels good.  Then relax and make good love because it was designed by God.

Enough already if you still believe the lies that sex is dirty. God’s intentions for sex include bringing husband and wife together and giving them a glimpse of his intense Love. So talk the sex talks with each other and enjoy freer togetherness.

Get rid of that body image issue if you have one. If your husband wants to make love to you, he genuinely loves you the way you are. Don’t allow the ‘make believe’ media fantasies of what beauty is distract you from enjoying yourself.

If your hubby’s hygiene bothers you, have the ‘real’ talk with him that shows you care. Get him some deodorants, nice bath gel and help him, it’s all the journey of marriage. I promise you he will appreciate you even more. I know this is a sensitive issue but if it will make you enjoy sexual intimacy by all means tell him. But remember to tell him with a loving tone. And as for husbands reading this, we ladies love it when our guys smell clean and are actually clean. Another tip, you two can actually have a good bath before love making.

Make arrangement with a baby sitter  for few hours, days or even weekends, depending on your ability/affordability, and go away together for some alone time and catch up. A lot can get better when you spend some ‘us time’.

I still got more to say. But I’ll allow these to sink in, and then I will be back with more.

With Love. xx